NOTE: This is possibly a piece of fiction.
Why do I need a reason? Why? Why do I need to know how it ticks? I can't take the fact that I don't know. I can't take the fact that I want to know. It's pathetic really. Living a life, not knowing your purpose and being aware of the fact. Wanting to know it so badly. I've always thought I'd find somewhere that I belonged. When I go quite, I know it all to well. At fist. But as always I reach the point where I must question where I belong. Being alone and quite is just fine. But a part of me can't help but long for a place where I belong. Somewhere I can just be loved for who I am and what I am. And I know I've always had it. Home. My Buddies. But something inside just won't get filled man. A thirst for comfort which is just so difficult to quench. No... It's almost impossible to quench. I feel cold again. Ha! I miss Shivangi today... Dunno why... But somehow whenever I talk to her it gets warm again... There are people that once made it all warm... A sense of love that filled that spot of loneliness in me. But it always goes away. Maybe because Aakash Mehta in his core value is no good. I fit into no cliché. No group. No set. And though all of us (humans) are just as unique it stings that I just can't feel like I belong anywhere. Why dammit? Why? It all looks quite futile sometimes. As if I should just give it up. Quit trying and be myself. But I am myself. Or am I? Am I subconsciously just trying to be something else? All I try to do is be true to myself. But somehow it just doesn't work. “Who am I kidding” I'm forced to ask myself every now an then. And I don't know. Because I don't think I'm kidding anyone at all. I study and practice everyday. But at the end of it all it's still as if I'm lying to myself. I don't even know why...
What am I supposed to be here dammit! Am I but a plaything for the Gods to watch and laugh at? Is it funny in the grand scheme of things how lost at sea I sometimes feel? Is it humorous that I run into a solid brick wall every time I'm close to finding something acceptable out? Is it a good show to watch me get knocked down and get back up every fucking time? Honestly! Someone tell me! Where's that calm voice that says “It'll be alright” ? Why doesn't the music say it'll all be fine? Why Am I listening to the most bitter-sweet piece I know over and over again? Why is that all that gives me comfort man! WHY? Fuck! Maybe it's something I should just give up on. Any I know that I eventually will. But it'll be back in my mind again. And I'll write something of this sort again.
Am I supposed to be but an observer? Just watch the show as it unfolds. Observe everything including myself as I go through my ups and downs and sigh and smile and say “life” at the end of it all? It makes sense. I feel like running away sometimes. Behind a one way glass where I can just look at people without every interfering with their lives. Without wasting their time.
I wish I'd stop breaking things down you know. I love it. But I just can't take it sometimes. How do you break something that knocks you off your feet every time you listen to it? I want to be killed by it all once. I don't want to disassemble everything and figure out how to deal with it. I want to not understand. I want to breakdown and cry for a while myself instead of looking at someone and, while helping them back up, observing and calculating and taking notes in my head. It's so disgusting. I'm so disgusting. I'm pathetic. I want to be simple. I don't want parts to myself. I miss when I didn't think. I miss not being able to control my emotions.
I explain things to myself you know. Every now and then. Whenever something fucked up occurs. Every time I fall I explain it all to myself. “Mehta, you're a grown up now. You can't cry over it. Understand man. It's human nature. That's how people are. It's ok.” And it is right? Right? I don't even know. But I don't have a choice. What will happen if I do let myself fall? Will I ever be able to speak to the person concerned? Will I ever let them know? Of course not. What's the point na... When I tell someone they hurt me they might just feel bad. Plus whenever I've asked for closure in the past, it's all been promptly denied.
I feel lighter now. But not for long. The song just reached that point where says it all. When It's my life in about a minute worth of music. It reminds me again. I wish someone would come and turn it off and just slap me to snap me out of it all. I'm weak. Too weak to handle this. So fucking retarded to ever think that I'd pull this off. Being myself is no good. I want to run away. I want to be the little baby again. The one that' taken care of. That looks at it all with wonder. Not understanding. That feels how he feels. But enough of this I can't take this anymore. I'm shutting this song. These words will be published. Somewhere. And I will hope and pray, yes pray (for myself once) that someone that knows it all will come to the rescue of the fellow that always tries to be the one to rescue. I need help man. Please don't try to if you don't have time. Don't waste time over this guy. I'm pretty pathetic. But...
FUCK! Yes. I need help. I'm in deep shit. Don't waste your time on me but help me. Contradictory? Yes. But I need a hug and the “Everything will be fine bacha” that I end up giving to so many people all the time. I need someone to convince me that everything will be allright.
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